Sleight of hand and twist of fate

IM A DEGENERATE GAMBLER.

lets start keepin track

There are the type of dates u cant wait to keep and the type of date you both know you'll never keep.

Today was one of them, a date with friends, but i refuse to spend another birthday at a meaningless party having another bottle shoved down my tilted head. And will instead spend some solo time on my bed reading Dave Eggers's You Shall Know Our Velocity

Wednesday, or rather thursday morning was the latter, but that was just guilt over my behavior, and the sort of thing you are expected to say. Besides, i'm a gentleman, but we both know its casual.

And then, there's Sunday, cant wait to go for Christmas service.

Happy Birthday to Me. =)


I am Odysseus, Laertes' son, world-famed
For stratagems: my name has reached the heavens.
Bright Ithaca is my home: it has a mountain,
Leaf-quivering Neriton, far visible.
Around are many islands, close to each other,
Doulichion and Same and wooded Zacynthos.
Ithaca itself lies low, furthest to sea
Towards dusk; the rest, apart, face dawn and sun.
Odyssey 9, 19-26 (trans. James Diggle)

I need help, literally... been trying to come up with a title for this entry but that 1kg of jelly within my cranium doesnt seem to be working so well today.


During a light cooldown by the pool after a good run last night, a moment occured in my head. With clarity, i recalled the twins.

I met them on a holiday to australia. I was 9. A wonderful time to be alive i think, not too naive, but yet just enough innocence left to still wake up each morning and marvel at every little thing in life. mmm actually im still like that sometimes, which is nice since that could be interpreted as still being hopeful somewhat.

but i digress, so i was there, by the pool, and yet simultaneously in perth too, not thinking about perth as a memory per se but rather i was sure at that moment i was a singular being in two places at the same time in an abstract sort of manner.
Seated inside the coach, by that window glass. I heard a tiny whisper from across that small space between seats by the windows. I was indulging in that favourite hobby of mine, breathing onto the glass and writing little nothings play time. That tiny voice squeak across that space, bringing me out of my reverie. "Could we be friends?" i turned slightly towards the source of that particular intrusion. Intrigued by the sight, and very surprised. I nod.

and so began a 10 day friendship which made such a impression i could recall it after 13 years.

i wonder how it ended

He rears his ugly head, that ancient one. Buried since time begotten, deep within my heart of hearts. Many times we have engaged this demon; flying tackles and jedi mind tricks. Weariness fills the soul as fatigue washes over me. In triumph, he burst free, a mind lock I shrieked. Awhile, by the cloister walls he stood, with tears that wont fall, the tears that wont cleanse, the tears that burns and the lurking pain that is still without.

What if i stumble, what if i fall....

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of allnothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

- E.E Cummings

Late last night, a friend asked me of this over the net, if you could have one superpower, what would you like to have.?

My answer was to read minds, but after much thought( at least those few moments before i felt asleep)

I would love to be able to soar through the clouds, and go to the deepest ends of the ocean. alone, on my own, and narry a care in the world.

Shit i dont need.

I dont need my two best friends telling me "KYL KYL, sure can one" at every girl in phuture that glance our way, during every single wednesday and friday of the week for 4 continuous months. but i do appreciate the effort.

I dont need best friend 1 to tell me that i look good all of a sudden, when i have been sporting the same look for the last half of the decade.

I dont need SM to know i have had a huge crush on her since i saw her on THAT movie.

I dont need PenisHead to shout out loud inside phuture within earshot of everyone, "eh ! u like SM ah, huh? u have her poster all over ur army cabinet?"

I dont need to blush when speaking to SM

I dont need Pierre to ask me in the middle of the night, where's the best hotel 81 huh?

I dont need any of my all-of-a-sudden many many newly single friends asking to help get into woman's head. or any sort of relationship advice, im not in the position to give any !

And, the last thing i need is for a friend's aunt to ask in church, "eh what u think of his cousin ah?"

I need the strength to open my eyes every morning and not feel that wave of despair wash over. i need Him. Amen

In His Light, By His Grace

An important aim of this post is to clear and unclutter my thoughts, in which the process of rebuilting and reshaping my personal

A often raised question to me this week :
Qns of the week :Are u ok? Are you alright?

Standard Answer :dont worry bro, i'll be fine.

Really, how many other ways is there to reply to that particular question ? Matter of fact, i know of none.



On a lighter note, my interest in foliages has seemingly been dullen. not a drastic loss of interest, but it just doesnt have the oohmpp...
gazing from out my window, towards the misty hills from out,that sense of wondrous fascination wiped out and replaced by a strange sense of loneliness, or perhaps not loneliness but a sense of being alone.

At the end, there i was.
Alone.
Friends can only be there so often
Blood can only take you so far
At the end, all that is left is I.

I paced around the garden.
Within these cloister walls
These walls, erected with bare hands.
Brick upon brick.
Stack upon stack
With renewed intensity..
I built.

Im chan hong. im an alcoholic.
once again.. after 2 and a half yrs.

I also had renewed suicidal tendencies the past week.
thus...
I need to start praying.
I need to get my life back in order.
I need to stop drinking.
I need to stop coughing my lungs out.
I need to stop thinking about her.

I need to learn to love all over again.
Starting with..myself.




whatever happened to that great post army break.?

PS: if there is God, Dear Lord.... when will this ever end.?

Vassels of innocence misplaced
With a rueful Visage i bethought
The Idealism of a fiery youth
A Youth of boundless energy
Blurrily, it lead to naught.